Think of someone you’re grateful for. When was the last time you told them?

For most of us, our feelings of gratefulness surpass our expressions of gratitude.

One survey of more than 2,000 people found that 90 percent of respondents were thankful for people in their lives. Yet less than half said they expressed it. In workplaces, one poll found only 15 percent of people regularly say “thank you.”

Why? The Gratitude Gap

One reason is that we tend to underestimate the impact of our words. In one experiment, psychologists told people to write affirming notes to acquaintances. They asked the note-writers to rate their letters’ predicted emotional effect. Then, they measured how receivers rated the note’s impact on their lives.

In almost every case, the person writing the note underestimated how meaningful it was to the receiver and downplayed how much the note affected their mood. This “underestimation bias” causes us to second-guess doing the small things that make a huge difference.

A second reason we don’t express gratitude is that many of us don’t know how.

The Secret of Meaningful Gratitude: Affirmation

Gratitude is often misconstrued. It’s not merely saying “thank you.” Showing gratitude is a social skill. As psychologist and gratitude expert Robert Emmons describes it, gratitude is an “affirmation of the good.”

Affirmation is different from appreciation or recognition. When we “appreciate” someone, we value their presence and give thanks for “who” they are. When we “recognize” someone, we make their contributions visible and elevate and give thanks for “what” they do.

But when we affirm someone, we show them the specific evidence of their significance and how they uniquely matter. The word affirm comes from the Latin roots “ad” (to) and “firmus” (strong). To affirm is to “make firm or strong.” When we affirm someone, we strengthen the belief that they’re significant.

The hallmark, then, of meaningful gratitude is that it is affirming and has specificity and depth.

How to Affirm a Person

During research for my new book, “The Power of Mattering,” we found there are four major ingredients of showing effective gratitude through affirmation. You can include these when you give verbal or written gratitude (and perhaps on your Sugarwish personalized note!):

1. Setting: Describe the context and situation in detail. Where was it? When was it? For example, instead of, “Thanks for being at the meeting yesterday,” you might say, “Do you remember toward the middle of the meeting yesterday, after lunch, when the group went silent and seemed stuck?”

2. Behavior: Describe the person's specific, observable behaviors. For example, you might say, “I noticed that you got up and went to the whiteboard, asked for clarification of each person’s ideas, and wrote them down.”

3. Gifts: Name the unique gifts the person modeled. There are four gifts every person has: strengths, purpose, perspective, and wisdom. For example, you could say, “You demonstrated courage and leadership, and I could tell you used your experience and perspective from your last position to generate a great discussion.”

Revealing and naming others’ specific gifts helps satisfy the human need to feel unique relative to others. Our psychological need for uniqueness is also why generic gratitude doesn’t have as strong of an impact.

4. Impact: Finally, and most importantly, tell them how they made a unique impact on you or others. You might finish, “After the meeting, I noticed people brainstorming in the hallway and could tell there was some good energy. Today, the team came to me with a cohesive plan for how we might better serve our people.”

That’s much more meaningful than a simple, “Thanks.”

When you give meaningful gratitude, you’re not just telling someone that they matter to you; you’re showing them how they matter to you.

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Zach Mercurio is a researcher and adviser on purposeful leadership and meaningful work. He is also a senior honorary fellow at Colorado State University’s Center for Meaning and Purpose and the author of The Power of Mattering: How Leaders Can Create a Culture of Significance.